You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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