You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
