so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
