my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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