And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
