if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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