I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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