you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize