ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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