You just made me feel so damn special
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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