He disabled his match.com account in front of me
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think I sprained my soul last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize