Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
