hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
