I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm both gender and math confused
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
