Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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