all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
