It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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