Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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