Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
