my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
