Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
