The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
