and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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