I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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