I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
