i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
