Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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