If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
