if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
