Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
