Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
