ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
