On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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