Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
