dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
