I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
