Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
