I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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