It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
