I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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