He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize