Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
