Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
