I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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