you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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