I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
