I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
