my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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