Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
