Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
