forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
