you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
