Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
