...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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